momma angst

this week has been an emotional one for me. i've cried a lot! yes, yes, it's probably pms...

we decided to pull marissa out of her school and relocate her to the local elementary school. i was so sad to see her other school go. i loved their philosophy, their goals and the things they were striving to achieve. i loved my baby girl in her knee high socks, "facts of life" cardigan sweater, and uniform skirt. i loved her little badge of pride from her kindergarten teacher last year, that she gave each of the kids in mari's class so she could see who her "rocks stars" were. i loved the closeness i felt with the other moms. i loved the emphasis on service and working in the community. i loved the spark that i saw in marissa's face each day....last year.

that same spark seemed to be missing this year. the drive to and from school was killing me. i cried this week because i felt selfish - making such a change for my daughter, seemingly at her expense, to make my life less stressful. i won't miss that drive. i won't miss making dylan SIT through that drive. i won't miss feeling like, "i can't wait to get out of here" every time i left the parking lot. i won't miss the challenge-less homework she sped through each night this month, and sadly, i won't miss the sharpie-wielding-teacher either.

yesterday morning, mari opened her little hand and began to 'tick' off the reasons why she was excited for the new school...

mari: "ok, so this is why i can't wait to go to my new school tomorrow. first, i'll get to wear whatever i want. second i'll get to eat at the....cafe?"

me: "the cafeteria."

mari: "oh yeah, the cafeteria. and third, i'll get to ride the bus with the next door neighbors!"

all the things about going to school traditionally (school bus, a gym, a library, a cafeteria,) she is experiencing today for the first time. she already knew the name of the class pet, before we knew that would be her class. she walked up to the secretary at the school this morning and looking at her name plate said, "Julia Johnson...is that your name?" And a few minutes later as we were leaving, she waved and said, "Goodbye Mrs. Julia!!"

her enthusiasm takes my breath away, and yet, somehow she reminds me entirely of me. i always loved new situations, and new opportunities for making friends. she seems to be much more adaptable to change than i ever was, and evidenced by my tears, still am.

my compulsion to research and research some more led me to ask people i trusted, which teacher they would recommend, should i be able to request one. a dear friend asked a couple of her administrative friends at the school and they both came back with the same name - a teacher who is nurturing, yet challenging; a teacher who would be able to better recognize students who may be working above their grade level. as i was filling out the paperwork yesterday, the assistant approached me and asked if i would like to go and meet marissa's teacher now. i was immediately disappointed that i hadn't had the chance to even request the recommended teacher. but to my pleasant surprise, marissa was assigned to her class. the nurturing challenger.

more than once in my life, when i've made tough decisions, grasping for the validation that i'd made the right choice, often i have had that subtle reminder that everything will be ok. i feel that reassurance today, and for that, i'm so thankful.